I never told you
by GleeSavedMe
Summary: "And right there in that very first moment our hands touched, I swear she stole my heart." What happens when Leslie Shay has this huge crush on her partner Gabriela Dawson? Shawson (romance) Shay/Severide (Friendship) Rated M for upcoming chapters. -Chicago Fire fan fiction.
1. Chapter 1: I remember

A/N: First of all I'd like to let you know that this is a Shawson fic, so yeah they will get together eventually. But that doesn't mean they will get together in the very first chapter or that they won't have any issues. I decided to start this fic at Shay's first day at Station 51 as a small introduction.

I don't know much about paramedics or fire fighters, so I don't think I will be writing much about their work, of course I will write about their work since it's a big part of the show, but I'd like to get into the details of their relationship not their work.

I also want to apologize for my English, English isn't my first language so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes.

I love critisism, so if you read this fic, please let me know what you think about it! Reviews really help me to update faster!

Disclaimer: I don't own the show, nor it's characters. All television shows, movies, books, or any other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners

* * *

_"I know some people think that home is just a place. But for me home isn't just a place, it's a person."_

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**I never told you**

**Chapter 1: I remember**

I still remember my first day at Station 51, like it was the day before yesterday. I remember walking through those doors, seeing those huge fire trucks standing there, waiting for their next call, for their next ride. I remember the way the boys would stare at me as I walked around between those huge trucks, hoping one of them would come up to talk to me and show me around.

I remember how they yelled at me from their seats and jokingly asked me if I had gotten lost. Maybe it was because at that time there were only boys working at Station 51 and I was a girl. No, it definitely was because I was a girl and they were all boys. But I decided to just let it go. None of them really knew how to handle this situation, and to be honest, neither did I.

"The new bee is a girl? Really?" I heard one of the boys yell.

"She is a hot girl." Another one corrected him.

I tried my hardest not to blush. I know most of them would probably think it's weird that girls like to do this job too, but I really like my work. And I also know that boys like to joke around in uncomfortable or new situations, because they don't know how to handle them. So I decided to ignore the 'hot girl' comment.

The only thing I could think about to make this situation less awkward, was to just walk over to the guys, and introduce myself. So I did. I walked over to the table where the boys who had just been laughing at me were sitting.

"Well hello my lady." A guy said as he stood up to place a kiss on my hand.

I had to keep myself from laughing. The guy in front of me was already flirting with me and I hadn't even told my name yet. I had to admit he looked pretty good, handsome to be honest. But let's just say he was not my type. None of them really was. But I wasn't going to tell them on my first day that I liked a V where they all had a P. I knew they would give me a hard time about it, trying to make me feel even more uncomfortable than I already did. I wouldn't let them get me that easy.

I started to feel more and more uncomfortable by the way the boy in front of me kept staring at me. But I just thought about how uncomfortable he would feel for hitting on me, once I told him I was a lesbian. "Leslie Shay." I introduced myself. "I'm the new paramedic at 61." I said, as I shook his hand, looking around the table to find more guys staring at me. Really? Had none of them ever seen a girl at this station before?

"Severide, Kelly. But everybody pretty much calls me Severide." The boy said.

I nodded, as I let his hand go. "It's nice to meet you Severide." The other boys at the table greeted me as well. And I kept talking with Severide and the other boys for a short while, until an older man, I guess around the age of 60 walked towards me. "Leslie Shay?" He asked, his voice sounding pretty grumpy, like I was already annoying him, or ruining his day.

I looked up at the old man, as I tried not to show that the grumpy look on his face was intimidating me a little. "Yes sir, can I help you?"

"I'm George Rembers, your partner. Please follow me, I'll show you around." The man sighted as he started walking with his hands in his pockets.

Yep, I was definitely ruining his day. I'm serious was this man having his period or something? Because even my girlfriend is nicer when she's on her period, and she turns into this hormonal bitch. But I didn't want him to get even more grumpy than he already was, so I just followed him inside.

* * *

My first day went by sooner than I thought it would go. 24 hours seemed pretty long when I first arrived at the station, but we had gotten a few calls, and Rembers showed me around in between, so the 24 hours flew by and I had finished my shift before I knew.

I had met pretty much all the fire fighters and chief Boden at the station earlier today. I even got to work with most of them and they all seemed really nice. I could get along with everyone pretty well except for my partner. He hadn't talked to me more than necessary. And for some reason he just didn't seemed interested in getting to know me, while the other boys had tried to figure out everything there was to get to know about me.

It frustrated me that my partner barely talked to me, I mean he was the one I would spent most of my time with, right? And well it would have been really cool if we had gotten along really well, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. So I just hung out with the other boys all day, as I tried to get to know them, while they were trying to get to know me. I still hadn't told them that I was a lesbian, but I had told them that I was in a serious relationship, and by that most of them backed off a little.

I said my goodbyes to the few boys that were still in the locker room as I walked by. It was the end of the day, or well the start of a new day, and even though I had already finished my shift I had been called to the chief's office. And even though he had seemed really nice earlier today, I was still pretty nervous about meeting him one on one. Why did he want to see me so soon? Had I done something wrong?

"Chief." I said, as I knocked on the door that was already open.

"Shay, come in." Chief's low voice sounded through the room. He sounded friendly, which calmed me down a little. I walked into the office, as I closed the door behind me.

"Take a seat." He said, pointing to one of the seats on the opposite of his desk.

I did as I was told and sat down.

"I wanted to compliment you on your first day. You kept your head up, and handled the situations pretty well. We're glad to add someone like you to our team." His voice spoke.

"Well thanks for having me chief." I calmed down a little, at least I hadn't done something wrong that would me get fired on my first day.

"You like your team so far?"

The question took me a little of guard, I had only been with them for one day. How could I already answer this question? I mean yeah I had gotten a good opinion about most of the guys, but for some reason, my partner and I couldn't get along. But I decided chief didn't need to know that. "They all seem really nice so far sir." I lied. I mean it wasn't completely a lie was it? I just didn't like my partner.

"Good. So, I saw you and Severide talking at the scene earlier today. I just wanted to let you know that if any of the guys is making you feel uncomfortable around here you should come to me. This is a fire station, we spend a lot of time in here. I want you to feel save Shay. I want you to feel at home in here, just like everyone else does. So please, if anyone is giving you a hard time, you tell me."

"I appreciate that chief. Thanks." I said. I didn't think Severide and I would become a problem. I wasn't interested in him, and even though he had tried to make a move on me earlier today, he still seemed really nice.

"Good." He said.

I wanted to get up from my seat, I thought chief had said everything he wanted to say, but before I got up he spoke again. "And Shay, I don't know if Rembers mentioned it to you earlier today, but he's leaving our station in three weeks. Which means you'll get a different partner by then. We tried to get you both started on the same day, but Rembers' old partner Marcus left earlier than we expected so we had to call you in earlier to cover his shifts. I hope that's not a problem?"

"Not at all chief." I said. Trying to hide my enthusiasm, I really didn't liked Rembers so I was glad I was getting a new partner in three weeks. I could manage three more weeks with Rembers in the ambo.

"Good. You're free to go Shay. I'll see you next time."

I nodded. "Thanks chief." And by that I left his office.

I walked towards the locker room to grab my stuff before heading home. I was pretty sure everyone had already left, but when I arrived in the locker room I found Severide still standing there.

"Severide?" I asked, a little insecure. Why was he still here?

"I uhm- The guys and I are heading to Jensen's for a beer, you wanna join?" He asked a little nervous.

"Yeah sure, why not?" I said as I closed my locker and followed him out of the building.

* * *

I had been right, three weeks with Rembers weren't that bad. Or maybe they weren't because every time he would do something that annoyed me or pissed me off, I counted the days I would still have to deal with him, and in the end there were no days left, and we threw his goodbye party.

Severide and I had become really close friends in the last three weeks. We just had this connection from that very first day I walked in, and things just worked between us. Even though he was still trying to get in my pants every now and then. Which worked on my nerves by the way. I knew I had to tell him that I was a lesbian eventually, so one day when he asked about my love life, I just did.

"So you having a little crush on someone at the moment?" He asked me while he sipped his beer. We were forced to be at Jensen's where we decided to throw Rembers' goodbye party.

"Yep, I sure do." I said smiling, as I took the last sip of my beer.

"You gonna tell me who it is?" Severide asked hopeful I would say his name.

"My partner." I said. I tried to be as vague as possible. I really wasn't looking forward to this. Severide seemed like one of those guys who would think it was hot when two girls would make out. But once I said the word 'partner' I realized how wrong that must have sounded. And I was right, because only seconds later Kelly asked me if I had a crush on my partner Rembers.

"What? You're crushing on Rembers? Really?" He asked almost in shock.

"What?! No eww.." I said as I looked disgusted at the group of boys that were standing around the old Rembers. I looked back at Severide who seemed to become more and more lost as the seconds went by. "My girlfriend Clarice." I explained. I don't know if it were the few beers I already had that encouraged me to tell him, or if I really felt comfortable enough to tell him. But anyway, I did and that's what matters right?

"So you're a lesbian?" He asked, a little taken aback.

I nodded. "Yeah. I think that's what they call it."

"Damn, and I thought I had a shot." He said laughing. "Well Clarice is a very lucky woman." He said. That was it, no more. No 'OMG That's so hot.' No other rude comments. He just pretended that it was the most normal thing ever. Like I had just told him that I needed air to stay alive. I liked that he was still looking the same at me as he had done a minute ago. He hadn't freaked out or said anything rude. He just handed me a new beer, and we walked back to the other guys from the station, like nothing had happened.

Maybe that's why I like our friendship so much, we just keep things simple.

* * *

I'll never forget the first day _she_ walked in. I was talking to Severide about some stupid girl he had met at Rembers' goodbye party the other day as she caught my eye. She looked so small, as she walked between those huge fire trucks. I'll never forget the way her hair danced by every step she took, or the way her beautiful dark brown eyes, locked with mine for the very first time.

I know it sounds stupid, but for some reason I got a little scared that my new partner was a girl. I mean, I would have to tell her eventually that I'm a lesbian, and let's just say, boys mostly take it better than girls. Girls are always scared you're crushing or perving on them, and you don't wanna be judged by someone you don't even know yet.

She walked over to me, and for some reason I couldn't take my eyes of her anymore. I felt Severide's eyes in my back, but there was nothing I could do. I was frozen, as the beautiful brunette in front of me came closer by every step she took. And as our eyes met for the second time, I noticed the beautiful smile that was on her face. I had to admit, she had a gorgeous smile. One of those smiles that could light up an entire room if she wanted to. Not many people have a smile like that, but she sure had.

She stopped right in front of me, as she reached her hand out to me. "Hi, I'm Gabriela Dawson." She said, still having that same beautiful smile on her face.

And right there in that very first moment our hands touched, I swear she stole my heart.


	2. Chapter 2: Leslie Gay

A/N: Okay so I decided how I want this fic to go. There will be one more chapter in the past (Shay's break up with Clarice) and then I will start continuing writing from the Pilot . I will at least follow the story line like it was on television till episode 12 'Under The Knife' but at Shay's (maybe also Dawson's) point of view. I'd like to make clear that the emphasis of these chapters will be on Shay's feelings for Dawson. Oh and I really like the bromance idea between Shay/Severide, so you'll also have lots about their friendship in this story.

I'd like to thank everyone who reads my fic, it really means a lot. I know there aren't much fics out there bout these two yet, so I really hope you like mine. Again English isn't my first language and since I don't have a beta I will take responsibility for all mistakes. Okay I think I talked enough, I hope you enjoy the next chapter of 'I never told you' please don't forget to let me know what you thought about it, once you're done reading.

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**I never told you**

**Chapter 2: Leslie Gay**

"Leslie." I heard Severide's voice whispering behind me. Making me aware of the fact that I had probably been staring at the new girl for a little too long.

"Right." I said. _'Right? Right? Nothing right. Just say you're god damn name Leslie.' _I thought. "Leslie Gay. Shay! Leslie Shay." I corrected myself, as I shook her hand. God, what was happening with me? I was making a complete fool out of myself. I've never felt more embarrassed in my entire life.

"Right." She said laughing. God damn that laugh, could she get even more adorable? I would do anything to hear her laugh more often. And right there I swore to myself I would do anything to make her laugh as much as I could.

Severide was still standing behind me, trying his hardest to not burst out in laughter by the stupid way I had just introduced myself to the new girl.

Really, I couldn't even say my name right anymore? This girl was already messing with me. Wait, with what? My feelings? What was happening, I have a girlfriend! And besides she was probably straight.

I looked at Severide, as I noticed he was still biting his lip. Trying to suppress his laughter. "O shut up Kelly." I said as I rolled my eyes at him, he was enjoying this a little too much.

Her eyes went from Severide back to me and back to Severide. I really had no clue what she was thinking. She was probably just trying to figure out what was going on here. And to be honest, so was I. I really didn't know what was happening with me. Why was I acting so weird all sudden? But when she looked at Severide again, I could tell that she was probably waiting for Severide to introduce himself to her.

And like he noticed she was, he took a step forward towards the new girl, who had just introduced herself to me as Gabriela Dawson, and shook her hand. "Severide."

"Dawson." Was all she said. She was more serious now, I noticed by the look on her face.

I think Kelly noticed it too, because he looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and walked away, towards the rest of the guys who were playing a stupid card game at the table.

"So." I said.

"So." She repeated, a small smile returning back on her face. It was not much, but I noticed it was there. I think she didn't want me to notice, because only seconds later her face hardened again.

"I guess I should introduce you to everyone else, and show you around." I said, a little insecure of what to do.

"Sounds good to me." She said. She definitely was more serious now, than she had been when I had introduced myself to her.

"Well good. Please follo-…" I couldn't finish my sentence as I got cut off by the alarm.

'_Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61. Warehouse fire.'_

Normally that damn alarm always ruins good moments, but right now it couldn't pick a better moment to go off. It was getting quite awkward between me and Dawson, and I know we were both feeling it. Especially after my introduction to her.

"Guess that has to wait." She said. I was glad her voice sounded friendlier than she had sounded when she had spoken with Severide. But she still sounded very professional. Which made me feel a little awkward and nervous for some weird reason.

"You ready?" I asked as I looked at her. I expected she would at least look a little nervous, since it was her first day on the Station. But she seemed more sure of what to do than I was.

She nodded, as we both jumped into the ambo, ready to save some lives.

* * *

It had been six days since I had known Dawson. We had gotten pretty close in the last six days. And I know it sounds weird, and before I met Dawson I really wouldn't have believed you if you had ever told me that we would become this close in only six days, but for some weird reason we did. Maybe it was because we hadn't only spend time during our shifts, but also after work. Anyways, I really liked spending time with her, and I wanted to get to know everything that there was to get to know about her.

She had told me her old partner had gotten knocked up, and that had been the reason why she had left her old station. She really liked her partner, so she had been sad to see her go. But she didn't clicked with the other people at the station, and since they thought she was a hothead, none of them really wanted to spend time with her once her partner had been gone. So she had asked for a transfer.

She had told me I'd better not got myself knocked up anytime soon, or she would kick my ass. I laughed, as I guaranteed her I wouldn't. I mean yeah my girlfriend and I had been thinking about getting a baby, but I knew we wouldn't get a baby anytime soon. Since we still had a long process to go. It's not that easy for lesbians to get a baby. And by the way, Clarice had offered to carry our baby anyway, so she really didn't have to worry about me leaving the station anytime soon.

Thank God, she never came back on the stupid way I had introduced myself to her. Well that was until the day I told her I was a lesbian.

We were at Jensen's which seemed to become my famous 'coming out spot' for some reason. I mean I had told Kelly the exact same thing here only a week ago.

"So you and Kelly huh?" She asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I looked up from my beer, a little surprised. Did she really think Kelly and I were an item? I mean yeah, Severide and I spend a lot of time together and we are pretty close, but it never was like that, was it? I mean did everyone else at the station think we were an item too?

"What about him?" I asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"I mean he's pretty handsome, right?"

"Well he is all yours." I joked.

"Why? You're not interested in him?"

"Nah, not really." I said as I shrugged my shoulders.

"The two of you seem pretty close." She said.

"Yeah we're close." I said, as I took a sip from my beer. By the look in her eyes I could tell she was not letting me get away with it that easy.

"But?"

"No buts." I said a little annoyed.

"O." Was all she said. Or well I'm not sure if she really said it, or if her mouth just formed an O. But she seemed pretty sad that I had cut her off like that. I felt guilty. I really liked Dawson, and she was just trying to have a nice conversation with me and I was kinda bitching her off.

A silence fell between us. And by the way she started to circle her finger over the edge of her glass that was standing on the table in front of her, I could tell she didn't knew what to do or say. She looked a little ashamed, like she had just crossed a line she knew she should have stayed far away from.

I hated seeing her like this. So with all the courage I had, I told her. "I'm gay." I said. My voice barely above a whisper.

"I know."

"What?" I asked, my eyes growing in panic. Okay I definitely didn't expected that answer.

"I know." She repeated.

If I hadn't been so taken aback I would probably have snapped at her that I had heard her the first time and that I was waiting for an explanation not for her to repeat what she had just said. But what she said took me so off guard, that the only thing I could manage to say was a soft spoken, not understanding "How?"

"I saw you checking out the nurse the other day." She explained.

If she hadn't surprised me already, she sure did now. I really thought I had been more careful with my leering lately. Turned out I hadn't been doing such a good job as I thought I had.

But really it couldn't be only that could it? I mean I had seen girls looking at girls before, and even though I was pretty sure that it was a good sign they were into girls, it still didn't always mean she actually was a lesbian. So how did Gabriela knew by that one small thing? And like she could read my mind, she started to explain herself a little more.

"When I handed you your phone the other day, after you had left it in the ambo, your screensaver lighted up, and I saw this picture of you and this girl, which I assume is your girlfriend?" She said it more like a question, like she was scared to say something wrong. "And the Leslie Gay thing when we first met. It kinda fits."

I couldn't believe how calm she stayed. Of course, the Leslie Gay thing. Could I have been more obvious?

I nodded, to let her know I got her point. "I-." I wanted to say something but she cut me off.

"You don't need to defend yourself Shay." She said. "You love her right? The girl from your screensaver?" She asked me, her voice was so sweet, I could tell by the way she was talking to me, by the way she was looking at me, that she really wanted to know. She really cared. Most people just ask stuff like that to be polite but she didn't. She really wanted to know.

I nodded. "Yeah. I do."

"Good, than that's all what matters. It is what it is and you just love that person."

I smiled at her, really I didn't knew why I deserved these kind of friends. Both Severide and Dawson had reacted really cool about me being gay. I knew with both of them having my back, telling the other guys wouldn't be that big of an issue anymore.

"At least I don't have to worry about you getting accidently knocked up." Dawson said laughing.

I couldn't help myself as I started to laugh along with her. Really this was only something Dawson could do, make a joke out of something serious. And you know what, I didn't even blame her for it. It really helped to lighten the mood a little.

"Are we still cool?" I asked her once we were done laughing. I mean, we dressed in front of each other, I could imagine her being a little uncomfortable with that now that she knew that I was a lesbian.

"What are you kidding me? Of course! Why wouldn't we be?" She looked at me like I had been crazy for asking.

"I dunno." I said, my voice sounding a little soft. "Just-." I really didn't know what I was going to say, so I was glad she cut me off again.

"Come here." She said, as she stood up from her chair and walked over to me to wrap me in a hug.

And as my nose nuzzled a little closer in her neck, and her strong arms were wrapped around me, I knew I couldn't wish for a better reaction, for a better partner, for a better best friend.

* * *

"Yeah I love you too." I said as I hung my phone up and walked into the lounge of Station 51. Which was by my surprise pretty crowded.

I walked over to the kitchen counter to get a banana when Herrmann spoke to me from one of the chairs at the table.

"Was that your boyfriend?" He asked in a teasing voice as he turned the page of the newspaper he was reading.

I started to panic, what should I say? I could just tell them the truth right? I mean I couldn't hide this forever, and Clarice kept begging me if she could see the station one time.

I knew I had taken a little too long to reply as I noticed all eyes were focused on me now. Why was I panicking? I mean this was no big deal right? My eyes searched the room, I had no idea what to do or what I was looking for, but when my eyes finally locked with Dawson's, I calmed down a little as she nodded, letting me know that I should tell them. This was it. I nodded back at her, letting her know I was going to do this. It was a really small nod, and I'm sure none of the boys noticed, but she did and that was all that matters.

I hated the way they were all still staring at me. It made me feel so uncomfortable.

"Well was that your boyfriend?" Herrmann asked for the second time.

"My girlfriend, for what matters." I said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. After I said it my eyes immediately looked for Dawson's again. I could see it in her eyes, she was proud of me. And like that was enough for me to know, I calmed down a little, and felt like I could breathe again.

I could see Herrmann only mouthing an "O." As he got back to his newspaper again, probably feeling guilty that he had brought it up.

"Girlfriend? So you are a lesbian?" One of the guys from squad 3 asked me. God why couldn't I remember his name?

I rolled my eyes. Really how many times I had heard that already. I told people I had a girlfriend and I would always get an answer like; 'Oh so you're a lesbian?' Really it's stupid. Why would you ask something that's so obvious? It's like asking a penguin 'Oh so you're a penguin?'

And like Gabriela could read my mind she shouted at him. "She has a girlfriend! Get over yourself Cap." Right Cap that was his name. "Idiot." I heard her say a second later. It was really soft, I don't think other people besides me had heard. It made me smile, I was glad to know that someone still had my back. Thank God for Dawson. Really.

All the boys, except for Herrmann who was too ashamed to look me in the eye, kept staring at me like they needed to hear it from me before they would believe it. "Yeah, I'm a lesbian." I finally said, as I sighted in relief.

"Ah didn't I said that! I so said that!" Darden yelled as he jumped up from his seat.

"You did not say that." I said as I rolled my eyes. He always tried to make a joke out of situations. He was like the class clown or something.

"Well maybe not to you, but I sure said that!" He yelled enthusiastically.

"He said that." Mouch confirmed, as he laughed along with Darden and some of the other guys. Really? Could I please disappear into a huge hole or something?

Severide just walked into the lounge. He looked a little stunned by what was happening in front of him. "What's happening in here?" He asked, as he took another bite from his sandwich.

"You owe me 20 bucks Severide! That's what's happening." I heard Darden say, as he tapped Kelly playful on his shoulder.

He looked from Darden to me, back to Darden as Darden nodded at him. He shrugged his shoulders and got his walled out of his pocket and handed Darden a 20. Wait what was happening in here?

I hadn't realized how nervous I had gotten until I felt a hand on my back, slowly rubbing circles around there. It made me calm down again. When I turned around I found Dawson standing there. Of course who else would it have be? I smiled at her, thankful she knew exactly what I needed.

"You okay?" She asked. Her voice was so gentle so sweet, I swear it made my stomach flip.

I looked around, it looked like everyone had already gotten back to their own business. "Yeah I'm fine." I could feel her hand leaving my back. I immediately missed the warm touch. But I didn't had much time to think about it, as I noticed Kelly walking out of the lounge again.

"Can- Can you give me a second?" I asked Dawson.

She nodded. "Yeah of course."

I started to walk, faster than I would normally do, as I tried to catch up with Severide, who was walking a few feed in front of me. "Kelly!" I yelled once I realized I there was no way I could keep up with him since he was walking way too fast.

He stopped walking as he turned around to face me. I couldn't help but notice how he looked a little upset. I wanted to ask him about it, but then I realized why I had ran after him in the first place and that's where my curiosity and anger decided to take over my concern. "What was that all about?" I asked him. "Why did you handed Darden a 20?" I think I kind of knew the answer, I just wanted to hear it from him.

He murmured something, I couldn't understand.

"What? Talk to me Severide." I said, my voice sounding more serious now. I knew he didn't wanted me to know what was going on, but I wasn't leaving before I exactly knew what had happened.

"He said something bout you being a lesbian and he wanted to bet with me about it." He murmured a little louder this time.

"What a bet?" I yelled. _'Really Severide that's a new low.'_ I thought. I was getting pissed. I had no idea why I was yelling at him. But something inside me had just snapped.

"I said he should leave it. That it was none of his business. That he was making it up. I tried talking him out of it okay?" He started to yell, I didn't mean to piss him off but I was quiet pissed myself. "I just, I told him to let it go, but he wouldn't so I agreed to do the stupid bet okay?"

I still didn't get it, if he and Darden had had a bet about me being a lesbian than why did he have to pay him? And that's when it started to hit me. That's when I realized he had stood up for me. "Oh Kelly, why didn't you just tell him you knew?" I asked, my voice was so much calmer right now.

"Because it was not my secret to tell okay?" He hissed. "I'd never do that to you."

I looked him right in the eye. I could see that this was clearly bothering him. I never thought someone like Severide would have this big of a heart.

I walked over to him as I wrapped him into a tight hug. He calmed, as he hugged me back.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, thank you for having my back." I hadn't realized I had started crying until I said that. My words came out so unsure, so broken.

He placed a soft kiss on the top of my head. "Anytime Shay. Anytime."


	3. Chapter 3: Clarice

_A/N: Hey, sorry that it took me so long to update. I'm kinda really busy lately, but I won't bore you with the details. I kinda wanted to upload it last night, but I'm glad I didn't cuz I wrote 2000 more words today. _

_This chapter is kinda sad because like I said it's about Shay's break up with Clarice. There are a few mentions in this chapter about Clarice being the love of Shay's life, please know that this is because Shay thinks she is. She hasn't really figuered out here feelings for Dawson yet, but she will. Just be patient. This is a Shawson fanfiction, but that doesn't mean it won't have any mentions of Shay and Dawson with other persons like Clarice or Casey. It does mean that this story is about the relationship between the two girls and how they devolop their feelings for each other. _

_Like I said before English isn't my first language and I don't have a beta, so I'll take responsibility for all the mistakes I made in this chapter. I unfortunately still don't own the show, nor it's characters so all credits for that go out to those who do._

_I want to thank every single one of you who supports me to write and reads my story. Just know that I appriciate it a lot. Ow and please let me know what you think by reviewing! Reviews really help me to upload faster! _

_Okay, I think I said enough, I hope you'll all enjoy the next chapter of 'I never told you'_

* * *

**Chapter 3: Clarice**

A few months had passed by since I had started at the firehouse. Dawson, the boys and I had become pretty close these past few months. The firehouse wasn't just a place I worked anymore, it had become my second home, and the people at the station had become my second family. I loved every single one of them, and I knew that when I would get myself in trouble, all of them would have my back. Just like I would have theirs.

I still remember the first friends of firefighter's barbeque I attended. Dawson and I thought it would be weird going, since well none of us really was a fire fighter. But chief Boden had pointed to the ambulance, where in big red letters 'CHICAGO FIRE DEPARTMENT' was written and had convinced Dawson and me that we were just as much a part of the team as any of the guys was. And after Severide pretty much begged me to go, because according to him it was the best event of the year, Dawson and I decided to go. And he was right, it definitely had been the best event of the year.

* * *

"Hey Hermann and Cindy are here." I heard Dawson say. As I saw a very pregnant Cindy, Hermann and their two kids walking towards our table.

"Wauw, woman sure looks pregnant."

"Sharp notice, Otis." Severide joked as he patted the guy on his shoulder. Which according to the painful look on Otis face was probably a little too hard. Otis had joined our station a few weeks ago, and since he was the new candidate everybody pretty much made fun of him by calling him Otis. I wasn't even sure what his real name was, even though he had introduced himself to me not to long ago. I think it was something like Byron or Brian. But it didn't really matter, I would call him Otis anyway.

"Yea, I mean it's pretty obvious Otis, woman is about to pop." Dawson said as she took another sip from her beer.

My eyes went straight to Clarice. We had been thinking about getting a baby ourselves. Not right now, but we talked about our future a lot, to make sure we wanted the same things. Last week it had gotten a little out of hand and we had even came up with baby names, while we had been cuddling on the couch talking about how a baby would change our lives.

Severide looked at me like he could read my mind. I had told him about my baby chat with Clarice the other day, and the smirk on his face told me he exactly knew what I was thinking. "What?" I asked, it sounded meaner than I intended it to be.

"Nothing." He said a laugh hiding in his voice.

I looked from him, to his fiancée Renee, as my eyes told him, that he was more screwed than I was. I mean he was getting married in 3 weeks. And yes, Clarice and I had been talking about marriage and even babies and stuff, but that didn't mean we were gonna marry or get a baby any time soon. It just meant that we were trying to plan our future, there was nothing wrong with planning your future, right?

"Hey guys." Herrmann said as he and Cindy entered our table. We all greeted them back, as both Cindy and Herrmann sat down.

"So Cindy how long till the baby's due day?" My girlfriend Clarice asked. She was really interested in everything that had to do with babies lately. I think it was because she really wanted to have a baby herself. It was just we were still pretty young, and well a baby was pretty expensive, so we would wait at least 3 more years.

"5 more weeks." The woman answered as she laid her hand on her belly which emphasized how big she already was.

"Plenty of time." Dawson joked. I laughed, maybe even a little too loud. I knew people probably thought it wasn't even that funny, but the way Dawson had said it like she didn't even wanted to say it aloud made it sound kind of hilarious. I even noticed some of the other people at our table laughing too.

We chatted about everything and nothing for a while. Everyone was smiling and seemed to be having a good time, except for one person, one of the persons I cared most about.

I looked at Dawson who seemed to be staring into the distance with a sad smile on her face. I followed her gaze to see what she was looking at and once I saw what, or better to say who she was looking at, I understood the sad smile on her face. Dawson had developed this huge annoying crush for one of Station 51 Lieutenants. And the biggest problem was, he didn't even seem to notice her. Yea, I know right, was he blind or something? Dawson was one of those amazing beautiful girls, and every boy would turn around if she'd pass them on the sidewalk. How could he not notice her? But Casey only seemed to have eyes for his girlfriend Hallie. I think they were together for 4 years already, so yea it wasn't like his girlfriend was just a flirt and Dawson would have her chance later, they were pretty serious.

I really hated to see Dawson so sad and lost. She hadn't brought a date, like most of us had, and I felt like it was my job to make her smile again. A real smile, not the fake one she was showing off right now. So I stood up and walked over to her as I placed my hand on her shoulder. "Hey you wanna come with me? I think the boys over there are waiting to get their ass kicked." I said as I pointed towards the field where some of the kids were playing soccer.

"Don't you dare saying that in front of my kids Shay." Herrmann said, a laugh hiding in his voice as he pointed one of his fingers towards me.

"Oh no, I wouldn't dare." I said sarcastically, as I pretended to sound offended by what he had just said. Everyone, except for Herrmann's wife Cindy, started laughing. We all knew Herrmann used words like that around his kids all the time.

"You coming?" I asked Dawson one more time. She nodded as she stood up. "Yeah, lets kick some ass."

"DAWSON! I'm not warning again!" Herrmann yelled playful, but we were already jogging towards the soccer field.

Once we arrived at the field, which was only a few feet away from the table we had been sitting at before, Dawson grabbed Lee Henry, Herrmann's oldest son and lifted him up from the floor as she pulled him over her shoulder and started running around over the grass. The little boy laughing and yelling in amusement. I smiled at the sight in front of me, Dawson was great with kids, I loved that about her. I was glad I got her distracted from the whole Casey thing.

I wanted to walk over to her when I felt two little arms wrapped around my legs. "Up." A little boy's voice said. I looked down at my own legs to find Darden's oldest son Ben standing there. He had turned 3 four weeks ago and was still pretty small for his age. I grabbed him up from the floor as I carried him around like a baby, swinging him around as I ran over to Dawson and Lee Henry. Ben screaming in amusement.

* * *

We had been playing with the boys for quite some time, and both Dawson and I had gotten pretty tired from the tickle attacks the boys kept giving us. We had been lying on the ground, the boys tickling us like they knew no mercy. Darden and Heather had just stopped by to pick Ben up. I thanked the little boy for the great time with a high five, and got up from the ground, Dawson doing the same. "I don't think I ever laughed so much in my life." I said, still laughing a little.

"Boy sure knows my weak spots." Dawson joked.

"So do I now." I said raising an eyebrow as I poked Dawson in her side, knowing she'd go crazy. A scream which I swear didn't sound human escaped her throat as I continued tickling her in her side.

"Leslie Elizabeth Shay!" Dawson yelled as she dropped herself to the floor with me falling half on top of her. "Leslie. Please, I beg you sto-ooop." Dawson said, not being able to maintain her laughter. I loved hearing her laugh, I couldn't help but feel the smile on my face grow by every laugh that escaped her throat. I didn't want her to stop laughing, and besides I was having way too much fun myself to stop.

We continued rolling over the grass, tickling each other like two little kids for a while, until we were both lying on the grass next to each other trying to catch our breath.

Dawson turned her face to look at me, as we were now facing each other. "Thanks. For doing that." She said sarcastically. But I knew better than that, I knew what Dawson was really thanking me for. The smile on her face told me that she really was thankful that I had distract her for a while.

I smiled at her only to find her smiling back at me. I loved the way she wasn't just smiling with her mouth, her eyes were smiling too. It gave me a weird tingling feeling in my stomach. And before I could really think about whatever it meant, and before I would lose myself completely in Dawson's eyes, I sat up. Dawson doing the same next to me. I got up from the floor, to find Dawson stretching out her hand, waiting for me to grab it and help her to get up. "Come here old lady." I joked as I grabbed her hand and pulled her up in one flawless move. I tried to wipe the grass from my pants. And when I looked up I saw Dawson staring at Casey again. I hated the way her smile dropped in only a few seconds.

I looked around the sideline to see if anyone had been watching what Dawson and I had been doing. I mean we had been rolling on the grass tickling and laughing like two 5 year olds. And when I thought nobody had really paid any attention to us, I saw Clarice standing on the other side of the field. I felt kind of guilty since I had spent the last hour playing with the kids and Dawson, not giving any attention to her. But on the other hand she could have joined us, right?

"Les!" She yelled a little annoyed once she saw I had seen her too. "You coming? It's getting quite late, and you're having an early shift tomorrow."

"Yea, coming right away!" I yelled at her, as I looked back at Dawson. "I guess I'll see you on the job tomorrow?"

"8am." Dawson said, still having this perfect little smile on her face. Really that smile made my day.

"8am it is." I said as I wrapped her into a tight hug. My nose nuzzled in her neck as I breathed in the smell of her perfume. I knew I was probably hugging her for a little longer than I should, but hugging Gabby felt so right. "Bye." I said once I let her go.

"Bye." Her voice spoke soft.

I walked over to Clarice, we said our goodbyes to everyone else and started walking towards our car. I couldn't resist looking back one more time. Only to find Gabby hugging Hallie goodbye. A sting went through my heart when I saw her wrapping her arms around Casey.

"You okay?" Clarice asked.

I turned my head back to her but couldn't hide the sad smile that was showing on my face. "Yea, why wouldn't I be?" I said as I linked my arm in hers.

* * *

Two days later I came home from my shift. I was tired as hell, we barely had gotten any sleep last night. There had been a big fire at a nightclub, and well let's just say the chaos had been huge. It had taken Dawson and me hours to help everyone at the scene while other paramedics were trying to get everyone to the hospital.

It wasn't weird that I came home in an empty apartment so I didn't really thought about it. I figured Clarice had probably already left for work. That really sucked, sometimes we didn't got to see each other for like two days or even more since I was on the job 24 hours and off the next 48.

I dropped my bag to the floor as I heated straight to my room. I knew exactly how I would spend the first free hours I had. I dropped my body on my bed, not even bothering to change to my pajamas. I closed my eyes, and before I knew it I drifted off in a deep sleep.

* * *

I woke up around 3pm, which wasn't that weird considering I hadn't gotten any sleep last night. My sleep schedule had gotten pretty messed up since I had become a paramedic. But I loved my job, and thank God I could handle the lack of sleep, most of the time.

The first thing I noticed was that I was still wearing my clothes. I should probably take a shower and change into different clothes before doing anything else, but my stomach seemed to disagree by the loud noise it was making. And since no one else was home and I was really hungry I decided to make myself a sandwich before getting into the shower. I mean I could manage 30 more minutes in these clothes right? It was not like they were smelling that bad, they had been in my locker my entire shift anyway, so..

I walked from my room to the kitchen as I noticed something strange was going on. I looked around and noticed how empty my apartment looked. Had it always been this empty, or was something missing? I wiped the sleep from my eyes to take a better look. No, it wasn't just my imagination, there were definitely things missing here. And as I looked around there seemed to be more and more things missing. Had someone been in the house while I had been asleep? Or had it already been this empty when I walked in this morning and hadn't I noticed because of how sleepy I was? Whatever it was, it was scaring me, and something told me that whatever this was, it wasn't good.

I got right, because when I reached the kitchen I saw a note on the fridge. And there was nothing wrong with a note on the fridge, there were days where Clarice and I only communicated by the notes on the fridge, because of our different work schedules. But this time I knew it was wrong. I got this weird feeling in my stomach, and by every step I took towards the fridge the knot in my stomach seemed to grow. I suddenly wasn't hungry anymore.

I took one final step as I ripped the note from the fridge. With shaking hands I read what it said. I read it again, read it one more time as I dropped the small piece of paper to the floor. She was gone. Clarice, the love of my life was gone. And all she had left, was a freaking note on the fridge. There hadn't even been a reason on the small note saying why she was gone. It just said she was leaving me.

I looked at the small piece of yellow paper that was lying on the floor. I was having a hard time to stay on my feet, it was like the floor was flooding away underneath me. I couldn't even cry, I was just standing there frozen in my spot.

I searched for something to hold onto. And once my hands rested on the counter, keeping me steady on my feet, the tears started to flow out of my eyes. I cried, and cried, until my vision got so blurry because of the tears that I wasn't able to see anything anymore. I couldn't keep myself up anymore and dropped myself on the floor, my knees hitting first.

* * *

I don't know how I had gotten from the kitchen floor to the couch, and I don't know how or when I had called Dawson, but a few minutes later I heard a loud knock on the door. "Shay? Shay sweetie it's me, please open the door." I heard Dawson's voice coming from the other side of the door. She sounded concerned, which broke my heart even more. I didn't wanted Dawson to be concerned about me, but on the other side, I was in way too big of a shock to care.

She knocked again. I wanted to get up and open the door for her, I really wanted to, but I couldn't. I was frozen in my spot on the couch, our couch. Or was it mine, now Clarice was gone? I didn't knew but the thought of Clarice made my cry again.

"Shay? Please open the door. Sweetheart?" I heard Gabriela's voice again. She sounded way more concerned than she had the first time, probably since I wasn't responding. I wanted to tell her that I kept a key underneath the doormat, but I couldn't. I opened my mouth, but no words seem to come out. Instead I only started to breath faster and faster and before I knew it, I was hyperventilating.

I heard the door open. I didn't knew how Dawson had found the key, but I was glad she had. I didn't want her to see me like this, but on the other hand I didn't want to be alone either.

She walked over to me, she didn't asked me what happened, I didn't knew if I had already told her on the phone or if she didn't want to make me more upset, but I appreciated that she didn't ask for an explanation. She just sat next to me on the couch and held me. She held me so tight, like she was trying to keep me together while I was falling apart. I buried my face in her neck as the tears kept streaming down my face.

"Shht." She cooed. "It's going to be alright sweetie. Whatever it is, it's all gonna be alright. I'm here. I'm right here." She cooed while she kept rubbing my back, trying to calm me down.

It was working, my breathing became slower again, and after a while I stopped sobbing and I finally felt like I could breathe again. "She- She." I stuttered. It was so scared to say aloud. If I would say it aloud, if I would say Clarice was gone, it would become real. I know it already was, but to me it all still seemed like an awful night mare. This wasn't real, I couldn't believe this was actually happening to me. "She is go-ne." I said in between a sob, and as I had spoken the words, I broke down in tears again. I didn't want to cry anymore, but I couldn't stop. I was so broken, so lost. I was falling apart in so many ways, and the only thing that was holding me in place where Dawson's arms.

I don't know for how long we sat there, I don't know for how long I had been crying in Dawson's arms when Dawson got up from the couch. Before I knew what I was doing I was holding on to Dawson's t-shirt like a little kid would when he didn't wanted his mommy to leave. I couldn't help myself, I really didn't liked Dawson leaving me alone on the couch. It felt like not only Clarice had left me, now Dawson was leaving me too. "Don't leave." I said with a high scared voice.

"I'm not going anywhere sweetie. I'm just gonna grab you a glass of water." She spoke with a soft calm voice as she placed a kiss on the top of my head. "I'm not leaving you, I'll be right back. I promise." I let her shirt go, and Dawson walked over to the kitchen. I calmed down a little, she promised she wouldn't leave me.

I saw her grabbing the yellow note I had dropped to the floor. I looked at her while she read it. I followed every movement she made, still scared she'd run away from me. I noticed how she shook her head once she was done reading and how she placed the note on the counter.

She looked over to me, to make sure I was okay. I wasn't, she knew I wasn't but at least I wasn't crying anymore. She smiled at me, which warmed my heart a little. I tried smiling back at her, but I was pretty positive I had failed. She was finally filling a glass with water after she had opened a few cabinets to find one. I hadn't stopped following every movement Dawson was making, and even when Dawson walked back from the open kitchen to the couch, which only was a few feet in my small apartment, my eyes never left her for a second.

"Here." She said as she handed me the glass. I took a few sips and immediately noticed how it helped me calming down a little more. "Thank you." I whispered as I handed Dawson back the glass.

She didn't said anything back, she just smiled at me. And that smile said more to me than thousand words ever could.

I looked around the tiny half empty apartment. I probably shouldn't have because that's when it hit me. Clarice wasn't coming back, I'd be on my own from now and that's when the tears started to roll down my face again. "I- I can't be here anymore. I can't sit on this couch, _our_ couch. I can't sleep in my bed. _Our_ bed. I just can't." I started hyperventilating again. Dawson immediately grabbed the glass of water again and made me take a few sips so my breathing was calming down again. "I can't live here anymore." I said when I looked around one more time. "Everything has written her name on it, there are too many memories here. It just.. I can't."

"Shtt baby, don't cry." Dawson cooed as she wrapped an arm around me. "You can stay with me."

"I can't ask that from you." I said between my tears.

"Well I'm not leaving you behind, so you don't really have a choice. Well you have one, we stay here or we're going to my place."

I really didn't wanna stay here, where everything reminded me of Clarice and how she wasn't coming back anymore. And I really didn't wanna be alone either, so I nodded. "I'll stay with you, until I've found a new place to live."

"Good." Dawson said, as she placed another kiss on top of my hairline. "Come lets grab you some stuff and I'll cook you dinner once we're at my place." She said as she got up from the couch, reaching out her hand waiting for me to grab it. Which I did and I followed her to my room, to grab some stuff to stay the night.

* * *

Once Dawson and I had arrived at her apartment we had both dropped on her couch, and started watching Dawson's Rizzoli and Isles DVD boxes. We hadn't even bothered to set the table once Dawson was almost done cooking. We just ate in front of the television while Maura and Jane where solving one murder after the other.

I hadn't noticed it was already 11pm when Dawson asked me if I wanted to take a shower. I looked down to see that I was still wearing the same clothes I had been sleeping in earlier today. I was kinda embarrassed I had worn them around Dawson the entire time. But well Dawson had seen me probably on my worst today, so it didn't really matter anymore. But yea a shower sounded good, so I nodded as Dawson handed me a towel. "Shampoo is in the shower." She said smiling.

"Thank you Gabby." I said. I wasn't just thanking her for the towel and the shampoo, I was thanking her for everything today, I hope she knew that.

She didn't replied. Instead she gave me a smile, just like she had when we had still been at my place. And believe me, Dawson's smiles were so much better than all the words in the world together.

* * *

Once I had gotten out of the shower, brushed my teeth and got into one of my old t-shirts that functioned as my pajamas, I walked out of the small bathroom. I found Dawson sitting on her couch, already wearing her pajamas. "You ready?" She asked once she noticed I was there.

I nodded, as I kept standing in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do.

"So uhm, I don't really have a guestroom or anything, it's not that big of an apartment." Dawson said. "But I can take the couch, so you can take my room."

"Dawson don't be silly, I can take the couch." I said. My voice finally started to sound like myself again, that shower sure had done me good.

"No you're the guest. I'm not gonna let you sleep on my couch, it's uncomfortable as hell."

I really didn't want her to sleep on the couch anymore. She didn't want me to sleep on it since it was uncomfortable, well if it was uncomfortable she shouldn't sleep on it either. "We can both sleep in your room." I suggested. "it's not a problem to me, besides I don't really wanna sleep alone tonight anyways." I said kind of embarrassed. My voice was sounding sad again. I wanted to shoot myself for thinking about Clarice again.

"Okay." Dawson said, in a way only Dawson could.

We turned off the lights and went into her bedroom.

"Do you have a side?" I asked.

"What?" Dawson asked, a little confused.

"Of the bed. Do you have a side?"

"Oh uhm no not really, I kind of sleep in the middle." She said. And I thought I saw a little blush appear on her cheeks, but I couldn't tell for sure since it was already pretty dark in the room, only one of the small nightstands was on.

"Ow uhm okay." I was standing on the left side of her bed and Dawson was already standing on the right, so I assumed I'd just get into the left side of the bed. I crawled beneath the sheets, feeling Dawson do the same on the other side of the bed.

Dawson turned the nightstand off, and I could feel that she was nuzzling herself deeper into the sheets. "Night Gabs."

"Night Les."

It was quiet in the room, there was nothing to hear but our breaths. I thought it was kinda weird that I was lying in the same bed as Dawson, that had never happened before. How had we end up like this? And that's when I remembered why I was here again. I felt a wet spot on my left cheek, and realized I had started crying again.

"Leslie?" I heard Dawson's sleepy voice whisper.

"Yea?" I tried to say as normal as possible, I didn't want her to know I was crying. But I knew I had failed, my voice had come out so broken, so fragile.

"Are you crying?" She whispered.

I didn't say anything back. But I could hear myself sobbing, and since it was dead quiet in the room, I knew Dawson could probably hear it too.

"Aw baby." She said, as she moved closer to me. "Come here." She started spooning me from behind. Which made me cry only more. "Shht." She cooed, while she stroke with her hand through my hair. I knew that I would have never let anyone besides Gabriela spoon me like that, but the way here fingers stroked through my hair, the way she wrapped her other arm around me, it all felt so right.

And that's the day I realized home wasn't a place. Because look at my apartment. Yes it was my house, but it sure didn't felt like home anymore. No, home was a person, and now that the one person that made my house feel like a home was gone, I knew I had to start looking for a new home. And part of me knew I had already found one, because I had never felt more safe in the entire world than I had felt right there in Gabriela's arms.


End file.
